Friday, December 28, 2012

Sex as a Weapon


So after mediating almost 500 divorces, 182 just in 2012, just when I think I have heard it all, I hear things that just blow my mind. 2012 had a common thread though in the divorces and that was INFIDELITY. Being the curious guy that I am I asked each and every one of the couples what happened. Again there was a common thread running through each and every story. 
The first thing I learned was that before women cheated sexually, they cheated emotionally. Their men were not meeting their emotional needs and desires and so they went looking elsewhere. If a guy at work or the bar, the gym or even church complimented them or paid attention to them, they responded. It usually started with just making sure they ran into each other and then it led to meeting for a drink or coffee and then eventually sex. What I found out next really surprised me. They only went looking AFTER they either suspected or confirmed that their man had strayed.
The second thing I learned is that men cheated sexually. Rarely did they cheat emotionally first. What I learned next somewhat surprised me, but didn’t as I have experienced it first hand and know oh to well what they were about to tell me. Every single man and when I say every single man I mean every single man said the same thing. They may have said it in a slightly different way, but it was the same. Their wives, before they became wives were sexual beings. The men said, “I do” (got married) and then the women said, “I don’t” (no more sex). After marriage, the sex slowed or even stopped all together. What made it worse is that the women used sex as a weapon. They used it to control, manipulate or to punish. When they began using sex against the men, the men simply went elsewhere. No game playing. No waiting. They simply checked out. 
The last thing I learned was that lying was always involved at some level of this “game”. They promised many things when they were married. Many of those promises were either never truly meant or were forgotten. During the marriage things were promised. I promise to get that house or car. I promise I’ll go to church with you. I promise I’ll stop drinking. I promise to stop smoking. I promise we will have a family one day. The promise was not kept and thus trust no longer existed between the man and woman. Resentment set in and here we are.
The result? the man and woman don’t trust one another. They no longer can stand each other. They men then stop complimenting their wives as now they resent them. Both parties stop initiating sex as they stop caring. The final result? The women are no longer getting love, affection and attention and so they began to cheat emotionally and that takes us back to the first thing I learned.
It’s a vicious cycle where everyone loses and the marriage ends. This begs the question, Why is sex used as a weapon? Why lie? None of these couples cheated thinking that the grass was greener on the other side. They knew that there was no grass on their side of the fence and so they simply left. Some stated that they would rather be alone, then stay in the situation that they found themselves in. 
If you find yourself in this situation and don’t know what to do, call iMediate Inc. We can help.

iChat Mediation invites you to come and learn more about having either your divorce conducted by one of our State Supreme Court Certified mediators or how you can become part of the most cutting edge virtual companies in the world. To learn more visit us online at http://www.ichatmediation.com or call us at 877-822-1479.

In the words of Lawton Chiles, “I didn’t come to stay, I came to make a difference.”

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Court of Public Opinion Pt 9 of 9


     I’m ready to battle, but also waiting for the judge to order my ex and I to mediation. I believe that we will be able to settle everything in mediation, but we have to go first. I find out that my ex is planning to come to Florida for our court date in February and she is planning on seeing the kids and doing as she pleases. I texted her and told her I knew she was coming and also told her not to assume anything. No one consulted me and therefore there will be no time sharing until we go to court and redo our parenting plan. She was not happy with this being that she had already purchased airline tickets and was coming.
     A week or so went by. I met with my attorney, prepared the necessary paperwork for court, did my legal research and was ready to file subpoenas on Friday, January 27, 2012. I worked all day long and did not get out of mediation in time to get to the court house and to get the subpoenas to the process server, but there were greater forces at hand. When I arrived home there was a letter from the court. I was thrilled. Finally, the order to mediation. I ripped open the envelope only to find that the Magistrate cancelled our hearing. (https://files.me.com/mbrickman911/4am12j) WHAT? You have got to be kidding me! I got right on the phone with the court and talked with the judicial assistant. She told me that due to a filing technicality back in November, the Magistrate cancelled the hearing. Frustrated, I asked her why in the world could he not have told us in November or December when we were in front of him. Why wait until 3 weeks before our hearing? She said there was nothing she could do and hung up.
     I threw my hands in the air and this was the perfect time to get angry, stomp around, throw an adult tantrum, curse, yell, scream, bitch and complain and turn right around and refile everything immediately to keep this battle waging. Instead, I stood in my bedroom, looked to the sky and said, “Ok God, what’s up?” I was at a total loss. I knew that my ex hadn’t received this letter of cancellation yet since she was out of state, so I decided to text her. I told her that the Magistrate cancelled our hearing, denied my motion to mediate since there was no hearing and that was that. She was furious as she had already bought tickets to come to Florida for court and now there was no court to come to. She was coming and wanted to see the kids and I had already told her that she would not see the kids until were went to court. There is now no court so there is no seeing the kids. I waited a day or so and then God spoke. He said to offer to mediate with her using iChat Mediation. I emailed her and said the only way she could see the kids is if we came up with our own settlement agreement and parenting plan PRIOR to her arrival. She agreed and so we scheduled to meet online through iChat Mediation on Monday, January 30, 2012. 
     I have to stop here and say something about iChat Mediation. To date, there is a 100% settlement rate using the online mediation platform through iMediate Inc. As the mediator, I have seen time and time again that meeting online for mediation takes the emotion out of the equation and it creates an atmosphere where parties are more at ease and able to communicate and come to an agreement. What is usually difficult in mediation is when two people that are fighting are sitting in the same room across the table from one another the emotions are high. From the comfort, safety, and convenience of your own home, you are now able to have your mediation, settle your differences, resolve your problems and move on with your lives. The true test of iChat Mediation was now with my ex and I. After all that we had been through and still experience, could iChat Mediation take our emotion out of the equation and could we have a conversation and craft a new agreement? 
     We met online and in one hour and thirty-seven minutes, we had a new settlement agreement and parenting plan. We only raised our voices 1 time each during our session which was truly amazing! We signed our agreement electronically and on Tuesday, January 31, 2012 I filed it with the court. (https://files.me.com/mbrickman911/oj0sx3)
    So now what? I will continue to mediate and continue to inform others of the adversities that I have experienced. What about justice many have asked me? I can only tell you that after 37 appearances before the court and hundreds and hundreds of pages of documentation, our judicial system is broken and it REFUSES to hold people accountable in family court. Few people may get some accountability here and there depending on the judge or magistrate, but overall, justice will NOT be found in a court of law. So if not in a court of law, then where? I believe it will be found in mediation. Your best day for a settlement will be in your mediation, not litigation. It is anyone's guess what the magistrate or the judge will do. As you have seen with my case, the magistrates and judges do their own thing and enforcing the law is not one of them.
     At iMediate Inc., we get it. Mediation is not something that we have learned in a book. It is not an idea, a hypothesis or theory that we are going to test out on families in crisis. We have lived it and continue to live it on a daily basis. We get it! We can help you! We are here when you need us so please do not ever hesitate to call. Call us morning, noon or night. Call us 7 days a week at 877.822.1479 because family crisis does not happen only 9-5 Monday through Friday.

iChat Mediation invites you to come and learn more about having either your divorce conducted by one of our State Supreme Court Certified mediators or how you can become part of the most cutting edge virtual companies in the world. To learn more visit us online at http://www.ichatmediation.com or call us at 877-822-1479.
In the words of Lawton Chiles, “I didn’t come to stay, I came to make a difference.”

Court of Public Opinion Pt 8 of 9


  On November 16, 2011 and December 16, 2011 we went to court. (Click here to download the audio recordings from court in Nov. https://files.me.com/mbrickman911/7ijvdk.mp3) (Click here to download the audio recordings from court in Dec. https://files.me.com/mbrickman911/auzomo.mp3)
     My ex wife appeared by phone and her mother showed up in person. Her mother lied on the stand and yet she couldn’t be charged with perjury. My ex wife lied and she couldn't be held for perjury either. It was shown that yes, my ex wife changed the kids insurance without my consent, but the judge REFUSED to hold her in contempt. The judge found that yes, my ex wife has not paid child support in almost 6 months, but REFUSED to grant a purge amount. The judge found that yes, my ex needs to pay support and yes the husband is supporting her, but REFUSED to grant an income deduction order from the husband’s pay. The judge found that yes, a previous judge did order my ex to get a job and pay support but REFUSED to enforce that previous order. The judged found that yes, my ex may have had something to do with the whole false claims to DCF, but told her to knock it off and REFUSED to enforce Chapter 61 where it clearly states time sharing can be limited or restricted due to this behavior. (https://files.me.com/mbrickman911/d3ox70)
     The judge REFUSED to hear about all the other false reports my ex wife made through the years that were mentioned previously. After filing over 200 pages of evidence, conducting depositions, serving numerous documents and 2 days in court, essentially the judge REFUSED to enforce existing laws and REFUSED to hold my ex wife accountable for any of the HELL that she released here on earth as she viscously and unjustly attacked our family and tried to tear us apart. She manipulated innocent children and time will tell how much she psychologically damaged them for her own selfish and wicked desires. 
    Due to everything that took place in court over the holidays, my ex furthermore REFUSED to give the kids their Christmas gifts unless I allowed her mother to see the kids over the holiday break. Once again, my ex and her mother were trying to manipulate the situation and control the kids and myself. I refused and even the kids told their mother to just send the gifts in the mail like other families, but she refused. My ex stated that ONLY if I allowed her mom to see the kids would they get their gifts. What is wrong with her???? My ex finally told the kids that when she comes to visit in February or in March, that she will bring the gifts. The kids finally told her not to worry about it. They said they don't need her gifts. It was really pathetic and sad. 
  In January 2012, we received the judge's order from court in November and December (https://files.me.com/mbrickman911/qzlafu) and also a notice that the judge set us for a 2 hour hearing in February to hear my motion to modify time sharing. I prepared subpoenas for the Jupiter police that came over in September and also for the kid’s therapist who will testify to the judge about what the kids said actually happened with their mother. I also motioned the court to send us to mediation to attempt to settle as much as possible prior to our hearing. We’ll wait to see what happens. I’m now ready to unleash a little bit of my own hell and my attorney and I are ready to battle.


iChat Mediation invites you to come and learn more about having either your divorce conducted by one of our State Supreme Court Certified mediators or how you can become part of the most cutting edge virtual companies in the world. To learn more visit us online at http://www.ichatmediation.com or call us at 877-822-1479.
In the words of Lawton Chiles, “I didn’t come to stay, I came to make a difference.”

Court of Public Opinion Pt 7 of 9


      On September 23, 2011, I filed multiple contempts of court against my ex. She was still not paying child support for months and I became aware that she unilaterally changed the kid’s medical insurance to military insurance from Florida Healthy Kids insurance in order to obtain military base housing and gain a larger financial allotment from the government. (https://files.me.com/mbrickman911/yzgk30) I had all the previous court documents, police reports, text messages, emails, voicemail recordings, faxes and letters proving my case. I felt that it had reached a point where enough was enough and the court had to get involved to make things right. 

     On September 25, 2011, I had an argument with my children and punished them for not listening and following the rules in my home. My son didn’t like the punishment, so he called his mom. That night she instructed our 13 year old son to go to school and tell the guidance counselor that I abused him and his sister. On September 27, 2011, DCF showed up to my house. They quickly realized it was all crap and that the allegations were false. They reported that the claim for abuse was unfounded and they closed the case. (https://files.me.com/mbrickman911/kf012v)
     Later that same evening after DCF did not take the kids away from me, as my ex wife had hoped and planned, I took the kids with me to pick up my wife from work. While we were driving home and talking with the kids about what they had done, I saw a light and heard a noise in the back seat and when I turn around I saw my daughter’s cell phone on her lap and it was on. I grabbed it and saw that my ex wife had text her and told her to call her. My ex wife was listening to our entire conversation. I hung up the phone and completely went off at this point. I was so hurt and felt so betrayed. Words cannot explain what I felt. We got home and my ex continued to call and text me constantly. I simply text her and told her that we were having dinner and that the kids would call her later. (https://files.me.com/mbrickman911/s5z8qnThat wasn’t good enough for her. In her typical retaliatory mode, ONE minute later, she called the Jupiter Police requesting a welfare check and claiming I was blocking her calls and stated that she was IN FEAR for the kids’ lives. The police showed up and took the kids from our home. After further investigation the police found, like DCF, that the allegations were unfounded and it again was a bunch of crap and returned the kids. (https://files.me.com/mbrickman911/ii44ws)
     After what my ex pulled, I filed additional contempts as well as a Modification of Time Sharing based on Chapter 61. (https://files.me.com/mbrickman911/hr3cb5). While waiting to go to court, I found out that my ex wife had given her mother all decision making authority over the kids as my ex wife executed and delivered a general power of attorney. This wasn't even hers to give away! My ex and her mother had been plotting and planning this entire thing together. I guess apples don’t fall to far from their trees. These two sick women plotted and manipulated my child into making a false report and involving DCF against me. (https://files.me.com/mbrickman911/ll7xoe) As I later found out in court, the kids were told by their mother that their grandma would be on call and waiting to get them to deliver them to her in New York after DCF took them from me. That never happened and actually it all backfired. As a result, now their grandma has ZERO contact with the kids. I now will NEVER allow her to be around the kids while they are under my watch as she has proven to be poison and a wicked wicked woman.



iChat Mediation invites you to come and learn more about having either your divorce conducted by one of our State Supreme Court Certified mediators or how you can become part of the most cutting edge virtual companies in the world. To learn more visit us online at http://www.ichatmediation.com or call us at 877-822-1479.
In the words of Lawton Chiles, “I didn’t come to stay, I came to make a difference.”

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Court of Public Opinion Pt 6 of 9


     My ex began dating a dump truck driver, but couldn’t move in with him as he was renting a room from his ex wife and still living with her in the marital home that she was awarded in their divorce. So in the meantime, my ex lived with her mother until her boyfriend moved out of his ex-wife’s house and moved in with his elderly mother. Subsequently, there was not enough space for the kids and the three of them, so on June 25, 2004, my ex voluntarily signed over primary custody of our two children to me and then she took off truck driving with her boyfriend. (https://files.me.com/mbrickman911/b4rpxi) Her boyfriend left his job driving dump trucks locally and began driving 18 wheelers around the state of Florida. My ex wife stopped calling the kids. She also stopped showing up for scheduled visitation and refused to pay the child support. Finally after filing yet ANOTHER contempt of court, the magistrate told her to get off the road, get a job, start visiting her kids and paying support or go to jail.
   Over the course of the next year or so, my ex wife would show up for her visitation, but refused to pay regular support and wouldn’t keep a job. I filed numerous contempts of court and time after time the court did NOTHING. On March 18, 2005, after being served contempt of court yet again, she retaliated and filed a false report with the Jupiter Police Department claiming parental kidnapping (https://files.me.com/mbrickman911/9jl0n9). The police investigated and found the kids were not kidnapped, in fact the kids were in school all day. I filed against her citing Florida Statute 837.05 False Reports To Law Enforcement Authorities (https://files.me.com/mbrickman911/g6m9kn) and what do you think the magistrate did? NOTHING! Why do we have laws and rules if the courts refuse to enforce them? 
   Later that year, after more contempts were filed for numerous violations of the law, my ex wife placed the kids in therapy and her and her mother sat in the sessions with the kids and coached them. They attempted to build a case of child abuse against me in order to attempt to get primary custody back. I only found out about this after seeing an entry in my daughter’s journal that said, “therapy appointment”. I confronted my ex wife and even went to the therapist’s office. The only thing I could think of to fight this manipulative act was to get certified as a guardian ad litem. It was something that had interested me and now seemed like the perfect time to get certified. I did so and informed the attorney providing her with my certificate. The attorney shut the case down and walked away as they did not want to accuse a court appointed guardian ad litem of child abuse. I have been a guardian ad litem since that time and have really enjoyed it as it has given me insight into the court system, family law and the children who desperately need help.
          Over the course of time, my ex continued to move around a lot and still never held a job. She was supported by various boyfriends, her mom and other family members, but wouldn’t get a job herself. She dated the truck driver boyfriend for a while and when he attempted to break up with her, she claimed to be pregnant, so he stayed. On the third time she did this, he finally left for good and never looked back. My ex actually called me crying when he left and I told her to grow up, knock off the lying and manipulation and she may actually have a chance at a relationship. She said whatever and hung up on me. I was not surprised.
     My ex eventually met her current husband and before you knew it, she was pregnant yet again. He was in the military and they got stationed in NY. She was pregnant and not working, so he began paying her support here and there. Over the past few years, the support was never consistent and rarely on time or in full. The court still REFUSED to do anything at all. They couldn’t garnish her wages as she wouldn't work. They wouldn’t garnish his pay even though he was supporting her. My ex complained that she didn’t have money for our kids since she had a new expense of yet another child. Here’s a novel idea: BEFORE you lay down and get knocked up by yet another sucker, why not take care of the two kids you already have!
     If things couldn't get any worse, my ex in 2011 just had yet ANOTHER kid so not only does she have two children that she doesn’t provide support for, she now has two more kids. GOD HELP THOSE TWO NEW KIDS!!!  After 8 years of filing contempt and getting NOWHERE, I eventually stopped because the court simply refused to help. Chapter 61 clearly outlines consequences for violations and it outlines what people are to do and not do, BUT judges and magistrates don’t like enforcing the existing laws and do not want punitive damages or consequences in family court. (https://files.me.com/mbrickman911/o0afsk) What are we to do then?????

iChat Mediation invites you to come and learn more about having either your divorce conducted by one of our State Supreme Court Certified mediators or how you can become part of the most cutting edge virtual companies in the world. To learn more visit us online at http://www.ichatmediation.com or call us at 877-822-1479.
In the words of Lawton Chiles, “I didn’t come to stay, I came to make a difference.”

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Court of Public Opinion Pt 5 of 9


     The divorce was now final and over the next 6 months and my ex still refused to work. My ex’s only source of income was the child support that I paid her and the money that she manipulated from her own mother. My ex’s water kept getting shut off in her apartment and her phone and electricity were disconnected more than once as well. My ex simply could not take care of herself and the kids. I was lonely and had co-dependent issues at the time and I didn’t want to be alone. As a result, my ex and I began to date and we attempted to reconcile. She moved from Stuart to Jupiter and moved in with me. She also got a job at Bank Atlantic in Abacoa. We seemed to get along. On the weekends my ex would go to work functions and fund raisers for her job and so I had the kids all to myself. I was thrilled. 
     Six months into it though, she got fired from her job. My family was in Orlando for a family reunion and she wanted to attend but was scheduled to work. She put a request in to get off so she could attend and it was denied. She spoke with her boss and it was still denied. The kids and I went to Orlando and the next day I got a call from my ex saying she was coming up. She had her mom, who was a nurse, have a Dr. at the hospital write her a note saying she had step throat and she went through the drive through at the bank and dropped off her Dr.’s note. She didn’t go in and give it to the manager on duty or her boss. She simply drove up, put the Dr’s note in the tube and then left. She showed up and told me what she did and the lying and manipulation not only pissed me off but my entire family. One of the last nights we were in Orlando, we went to Citywalk at Universal Studies. We fought the entire night. Ironically enough one of the couples that always banked at the branch my ex worked at saw us fighting and mentioned it to the bank manager. When my ex returned to work two days later, they fired her. They knew she wasn’t sick and had lied. I was over it. It was the same crap, just a different day. She was never going to change.
     I finally kicked her out and filed for a Modification of Custody and that started the war. My ex retaliated on September 19th 2003, and filed an Injunction of Protection claiming I beat her and the kids and she was in fear for their lives (https://files.me.com/mbrickman911/8flivh -). I didn’t know how to fight these false allegations in court, so I hired an attorney. My attorney and I went to court on October 14, 2003, and my ex didn’t even bother to show up and we found that she voluntarily dismissed the claim. It was CRAP and she knew it, but I still got stuck holding the bill with my attorney. On October 14th 2003, I found out the reason why she moved in with me in Jupiter. She got the job at the bank and began dating one of the guys there. They were not going to fund raisers for the bank on the weekends. They were going off and having sex weekends together. I had no idea!! Again, just more manipulation, lies and deception. 
     We continued in court with our attorneys and I filed numerous contempts of court citing numerous violations of the laws. The magistrate REFUSED to grant any of the contempts and refused to hold my ex wife accountable for anything she did. My ex wife would put on the sad face, cry and gave excuse after excuse and the magistrate actually bought it every time. It was EXTREMELY frustrating!!
     The magistrate ordered us to mediation. We spent four hours in mediation and came up with a partial/temporary agreement. I didn’t get the kids, but I had the child support reduced, we changed the time sharing and dealt with some of other issues. This actually laid the ground work for the surrender and modification of custody later that year. (https://files.me.com/mbrickman911/b4rpxi)


iChat Mediation invites you to come and learn more about having either your divorce conducted by one of our State Supreme Court Certified mediators or how you can become part of the most cutting edge virtual companies in the world. To learn more visit us online at http://www.ichatmediation.com or call us at 877-822-1479.
In the words of Lawton Chiles, “I didn’t come to stay, I came to make a difference.”

Friday, December 30, 2011

Court of Public Opinion Pt 4 of 9


     In June of 2002, after my ex’s lies, manipulation, move-outs and cheating, I finally said that’s it. On Mother’s Day night, we sat on our living room floor and while watching Sex In The City, we filled out our divorce papers and the next day I filed. After school that day, we sat our kids down and told them that we were getting divorced and that I was leaving. My daughter, being the oldest and wisest, stomped her foot and at 6 years old said, “No! Like Barney says, I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family.” I was shocked at what my 6 year old could comprehend about the situation. We were divorced a few days before Father’s Day and did it all on our own without attorneys, but not without incident.
     The night before the divorce hearing, my ex invited me to her apartment to see the kids and to have dinner. We had dinner and afterwards my ex wanted to watch a movie and she asked if I would go get one. I left and when I got back to her apartment, I knocked on the door and she wouldn’t let me in. I knocked a few more times and only heard her say, “He’s here! He’s Here!” She wouldn’t open the door and so I turned to leave. As I approached the stairs, there were six cops with guns pulled. They told me to put my hands up and slowly walk down the stairs. I did so until I reached the bottom and then they put me against the wall and handcuffed me. The cops asked me where the gun was. I told them that I didn’t have one on me. Well, long story short, my ex wife called the police when I was on my way back with the movie and she told 911 that I was in the parking lot waiving a gun around and then I came inside and was holding her and the kids hostage. They eventually let me go and then gave me a trespass warning telling me not to come back that night. I told them that I wasn’t EVER going back. My ex told me, about a year later, that her plan was to have me arrested and put in jail so that the divorce would be either delayed or dismissed. As I drove away from my ex’s, after almost being arrested, I got a call from a good friend. He gave me some really bad news that he had just learned from his wife. As if my night couldn’t get any worse, I found out that my ex had manipulated my own grandparents into paying for her to consult an attorney AGAINST me for our divorce. My own grandparents! I then left Stuart and drove straight to Jupiter to confront my grandparents. Let’s just say that it was not a good night. WOW!!!  I was so pissed off going into court the next day and was extremely glad when the divorce was final.

iChat Mediation invites you to come and learn more about having either your divorce conducted by one of our State Supreme Court Certified mediators or how you can become part of the most cutting edge virtual companies in the world. To learn more visit us online at http://www.ichatmediation.com or call us at 877-822-1479.
In the words of Lawton Chiles, “I didn’t come to stay, I came to make a difference.”

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Court of Public Opinion Pt 3 of 9


So I found my ex poking holes in condoms and later that week we found out that she was pregnant again. I was thrilled to find out that I was having my son, but no more kids. I had one of each and they only make 2 kinds. I stayed with her, but decided that since I left birth control up to her twice and twice she got pregnant, there was only one thing to do. At 23 years old, I got a vasectomy and made sure she never pulled this again. 
     I previously told you about the first time that my ex moved out and told you that the first time she left was the most traumatic, but the 4th time was the potentially the most dangerous. My ex wanted to go see her dad in Georgia, so I sent her and the kids on vacation for a long weekend. When she returned home, something was wrong, but I didn’t know what it was. All week long she said she had to go back and see her dad. She just had to go back. “I want to go back next weekend” she kept saying. I was tired of the constant nagging, yelling, wining and arguing so I gave in and said go. My ex was supposed to stay with a friend and when I called to talk to the kids, her friend said she wasn’t there and had no idea that my ex was even back in town. I then became extremely worried as she had both the kids with her. I called her cell phone over and over and finally she answered. I heard the kids in the background and heard a man’s voice. I asked where she was and she said that she had met up with a guy friend from high school and she was at his house. After we got off the phone I called her sister and asked her if she had known this guy. She didn’t and she even called her mom who had never heard of this guy either. I called my ex back and this guy answered the phone and started telling me what a horrible father I was and an awful husband. He told me how cute my kids were and how I should be a better dad to them. Are you kidding me? Now I was pissed. Long story short, what happened was this. The week prior when my ex went to Georgia to see her dad, she went out and met a guy at a bar. They hooked up and she promised him she’d be back the next weekend. If that’s not bad enough, what crossed all boundaries was that she then had the kids with her in his trailer in the backwoods of Savannah. Who knew if this guy was a child molester, criminal, or what, but when I found out where she was, I left Florida with my gun, a video camera and the kid’s passports. I drove all night to Georgia and without altercation I got the kids and brought them back to Florida. She eventually came home about 5 days later. We lasted about another year and it was finally over. Enough was enough!!
     In almost 7 years she packed up and moved out a total of 7 times and I didn’t find out until after the divorce that she had multiple affairs. After the divorce I also found out more disturbing information. During the marriage we spent 4 years in marriage counseling and she was involved with two recovery groups for women who had been abused and raped. Remember I told you previously about her uncle that had molested her and her sister for years? I found out a few years after the divorce from her own sister that the rape and molestation NEVER happened. They never lived with her grandma and the uncle never molested either of them. His wife was never her best friend. My ex made the whole thing up. 


iChat Mediation invites you to come and learn more about having either your divorce conducted by one of our State Supreme Court Certified mediators or how you can become part of the most cutting edge virtual companies in the world. To learn more visit us online at http://www.ichatmediation.com or call us at 877-822-1479.
In the words of Lawton Chiles, “I didn’t come to stay, I came to make a difference.”

Friday, December 23, 2011

Court of Public Opinion Pt 2 of 9


      I met my ex wife when I was 19 and she was 22. We fought constantly over everything. We almost split up too many times to count and it looked like our dating relationship was over, until she turned up pregnant with our daughter. My ex wife went off the pill and told no one. This was the first of her many manipulative acts. She knew that I wouldn’t leave if she was pregnant and she was right. I was raised in a Christian home where you do not live with a person if you are not married to them, so I did the “right” thing and got married. Even though we had a child, the fighting never stopped. We saw many marriage counselors, as I wanted to make things work. I found out that a lot of my ex wife’s issues stemmed from her childhood and past relationships. She told me that her ex boyfriend used to beat her and told me even more importantly that her uncle had raped and molested her and her sister for years when they were children. My ex wife’s parents met while her mom was a nurse and her dad was admitted for a drug overdose. They married and later divorced. According to my ex wife, her and her sister had to go live with their grandmother. After the divorce, their mother worked really crazy hours at the hospital and wasn’t around to care for them. It was while living at the grandma’s house that the molestation of both my ex wife and her sister took place. To make things worse, this uncle, years later, married my ex wife’s best friend. 
     I was now almost 22 and my ex wife and I were still fighting. We simply didn’t get along and she was lazy. I was working 4 jobs and she refused to work outside of the house and also refused to do any work around the home. She was a stay at home mom who did not cook, clean or do anything but watch Talk Soup on E! 
     From the time when we married until I was almost 23, my ex wife had literally packed up and moved out of the house and took my daughter 3 times. The first time and the fourth time that she left, I will NEVER forget. The first time she left, I was working and my ex was supposed to be at home getting the clubhouse ready for my graduation party. About halfway through the day, my mother-in-law drove up to my work with her car packed and my ex wife stepped out to inform me that she had moved out, BUT she would be back later for the party. WHAT? Are you kidding me? She was to be decorating to celebrate my graduation from school, but instead she had to leave to make a statement. I was crushed. I left work and I had to go home and quickly decorate for my own party. My ex wife did show up with our daughter and acted like NOTHING happened. Most people at the party didn’t even know she had moved out. For me, it wasn’t much of a party as I felt that I had lost my family. To make things worse, when the party was over, my ex started bossing the guests around and having them help clean up. She didn’t lift a finger though to clean up. I left my own graduation party and went home and cried myself to sleep. For the next few days I was depressed, confused and angry. It was tough to go to work and I ate nothing. I pleaded with her and begged her to come home and about a week later she returned. 
     Things did not improve once she returned home and we continued to argue. The relationship reached a place where child or not, it seemed over. I was fed up and I was ready to move out and file for divorce and then it happened. I was late getting ready for work and needed to get into the bathroom to take a shower, but the door was locked. I kept banging and banging and I finally picked the lock. To my surprise, when I opened the door, there was my ex wife sitting on the floor poking holes in condoms. It turns out that she had been doing this for a while, but it was too late. We found out later that week that she was already 3 weeks pregnant. 


iChat Mediation invites you to come and learn more about having either your divorce conducted by one of our State Supreme Court Certified mediators or how you can become part of the most cutting edge virtual companies in the world. To learn more visit us online at http://www.ichatmediation.com or call us at 877-822-1479.
In the words of Lawton Chiles, “I didn’t come to stay, I came to make a difference.”


Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Court of Public Opinion Pt 1 of 9


     I have conducted hundreds of mediations and thought I have seen and heard it all, yet still there are times where even I get amazed. People just never cease to fascinate me. I feel a very heavy burden conducting mediation. Mediation is not just a job, but it is my calling in life. If you have not already done so, I strongly urge you to go back and read the first blogs that I posted, which gave an overview of how I got into mediation through my own struggles. (http://ichatmediation.blogspot.com/2010/01/how-it-all-began.html and http://ichatmediation.blogspot.com/2010/01/my-own-mediationso-it-begins.html)
     I am about to do something that most people won’t do, which is to share my life and experiences with you in graphic detail. This is going to be the first of a nine blog series. This is not meant to defame anyone. My intention is to let you know that I understand what you are going through. I have gone through hell with my ex and I still do even today. I know the difficulties of single parenthood. I know the frustration caused by dealing with an arrogant ex spouse and the high tension and level of frustration CAUSED by an incompetent and screwed up judicial system. I will be posting links to documents that I have personally filed and orders that have been signed by judges involved in my case. In the end, you will see for yourself where the court system and the judges have REFUSED to uphold and enforce the law as well as enforce previous court orders. If you would like to look up my case yourself and review it in it’s entirety, then do so as it is public record and located at the Martin County Courthouse. The case number is 02566DR.
     Our system is broken beyond belief and I do not know how to change it. Something has to be done. My hope and prayer is that as you read my story, you will find comfort and realize that you are not the only one. Here at iMediate Inc., we can help. The judicial system may not help you in your time of need. The police may not be there to protect you. Your best day and best protection, even though it certainly will not be fool proof, will be mediation. Do not jump to litigation and think it will all work out and be settled by a judge. You must take control of your own life. It is so important to choose your mediator wisely. Your life and your children’s lives hang in the balance of a competent mediator who has lived through the pain and difficulty of divorce. A competent mediator will be able to help you navigate the judicial system and craft an agreement that not only prohibits, but also protects all parties involved. 


iChat Mediation invites you to come and learn more about having either your divorce conducted by one of our State Supreme Court Certified mediators or how you can become part of the most cutting edge virtual companies in the world. To learn more visit us online at http://www.ichatmediation.com or call us at 877-822-1479.
In the words of Lawton Chiles, “I didn’t come to stay, I came to make a difference.”

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

To The Death


So I sit in mediation day in and day out and listen to people discuss broken dreams, distorted truths, and promises that were never kept. They all seem to be upset that someone lied to them about issues such as the car payment, providing a home, taking care of the kids, getting a job, paying back loans, paying off debts and even being faithful. People seem to get so wrapped up in the these issues and complain that this promise was broken or that promise was broken, but they fail to go back to the beginning and the root promise that was not kept.....I choose to love you and be with you until death do us part! Yep! If this promise was kept, then the rest may not be issues. If they have broken the promise about forsaking all others or loving and sticking by the other person through good times and bad times until the end of time, then of course they will break the rest of them as they are all based on this one promise. 
Sad but true, I now have to be the realist in the room and be the one to point this out. I have to show them that promises were broken and now they must simply move on, but it is always not so simple. Emotions are in the way of logic and reason. Feelings of guilt, shame, frustration, failure, disgust, hate, fear, betrayal and more many times get in the way of simply moving on. 
If you are experiencing a dissolution of marriage, then my job as a mediator is to help you navigate through these emotions so that logic and reason can appear to help create a legal agreement regarding the children, money, debt and belongings. I believe that time will heal some wounds, but not all so therapy may be a good place to start as you can never learn enough about who you are and what makes you tick. If you do not invest in you after a divorce, then you will take the same you with all your emotions and baggage and carry it into the next relationship. This can be a recipe for yet another failure. Just remember, no one will ever take better care of you than you so until death do you part, put you first, love yourself, value yourself and fix yourself. When you are complete and you don’t NEED someone else to complete you, now you will be ready for a healthy relationship!!!

iChat Mediation invites you to come and learn more about having either your divorce conducted by one of our State Supreme Court Certified mediators or how you can become part of the most cutting edge virtual companies in the world. To learn more visit us online at http://www.ichatmediation.com or call us at 877-822-1479.
In the words of Lawton Chiles, “I didn’t come to stay, I came to make a difference.”

Friday, August 26, 2011

Hiring an Attorney


This is going to be short sweet and to the point. Please please please, when you are dealing with difficulties in your life and you may need to hire an attorney to represent you in mediation and eventually a court of law concerning a family matter, such as a child custody, please hire a family attorney. Just hiring the most expensive attorney in town is not the best idea. 

I recently had a mediation where the mom hired an attorney and the father was pro se. The parties were never married and so it was a paternity mediation. The attorney for the mom was nice, well dressed and polite. She appeared to be educated except at times I wondered what she was thinking. She kept giving her client incorrect advice that didn't even line up with or follow the law. Now, I cannot jump in and say she is wrong, but I have to explain and show in a round about way that well, she is wrong. The case did not settle as this female attorney kept putting ideas in her client's head about what the mom could get in a court of law and what she was entitled to, yet these ideas were incorrect and not in accordance with the law. 
Unfortunately, it was not until the end where the female attorney gave me her card where I look on her card and see about 6 fields of law that she claims she practices in and to my surprise, nowhere on the card did it say family law. She wasn't even a family attorney. No wonder she couldn't properly advise her client. She didn't know what she was talking about. 
In the end, it is a lot like a doctor. If you need surgery on your brain, would you go to your family doctor for brain surgery? If you need plastic surgery, would you go to the best podiatrist in town? I hope not. When dealing with a family matter and if you need an attorney, then hire a family attorney and better yet, Google: Family Law Statute and then the name of your state and download the state laws for your state so that with or without an attorney, you can be educated on what the law says. Knowledge is power and with a little knowledge for yourself, you will be able to save a lot of time, money, frustration and headache in the end. 

iChat Mediation invites you to come and learn more about having either your divorce conducted by one of our State Supreme Court Certified mediators or how you can become part of the most cutting edge virtual companies in the world. To learn more visit us online at http://www.ichatmediation.com or call us at 877-822-1479.

In the words of Lawton Chiles, “I didn’t come to stay, I came to make a difference.”

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Responsibility


Dear Mediators, 
I am writing you tonight because of the love that I have for each and every one of the couples that I have had the privilege to mediate and YES, it is a privilege. I have been in the industry for a number of years and mediated in the courthouse, in law firms and in my own office with pro se clients as well as attorneys. I have seen other mediators and I do not believe that most of us understand the responsibility that each and every one of you have been handed. Mediation is not just another job. Mediating should not be just another day at the office. Mediating should not be what you do but rather who you are. You are a professional peacemaker and your job is to bring peace where conflict thrives. 
I have lived through a divorce and through a bankruptcy and I will tell you that the two lowest points in a man’s life is bankruptcy and divorce. Feeling like a failure financially and in a relationship are devastating to a man and his self worth. Divorce is a dark day in a couple’s life. Divorce is the ultimate rejection. At one time someone said, “I choose you above everyone else in life” and now they say, “ I can’t stand you and never want to hear another word out of your mouth ever again. GO AWAY!” When mediating this, you may be the only light this couple experiences in their darkest hour. You may be the only glimpse of hope to a couple that has lost all hope. Giving up and impassing a mediation should be the utmost last resort AFTER you have tried everything in your power, exhausted every single idea and explored all possible options and even after that you should try for at least a partial agreement. 
As a mediator your job is three fold: (1) Facilitate a conversation between the parties. This means that you will be the conduit for communication. The parties will fight and it is your job to still move the communication forward and help the parties not only hear what the only person has to say, but LISTEN to what is being said. (2) Take the parties through legal paperwork. Yes, you are to complete the parenting plan and MSA in mediation with all the parties present. When an agreement, either partial or full, is completed the parties should walk out with a signed copy. (3) Empower the parties to have a voice and to be heard as well as empower the parties to make a decision. Good or bad, it is the party’s decision. Many times, the reason why conflict exists is because one party does not feel like he or she has a voice and they simply want to be heard. Your job is to make sure that if a party has something to say, he or she gets to say it. 
In the end, I believe that if you do not LOVE mediating and if your passion is not to bring peace to broken families, if this is just a way of making money and pulling a paycheck, then you need to stop and find something else to do. Lives hang in the balance and people have placed their lives in your hands. A child’s future and a mom or dad’s ability to be a parent it is NOTHING to play around with.
iChat Mediation invites you to come and learn more about having either your divorce conducted by one of our State Supreme Court Certified mediators or how you can become part of the most cutting edge virtual companies in the world. To learn more visit us online at http://www.ichatmediation.com or call us at 877-822-1479.
In the words of Lawton Chiles, “I didn’t come to stay, I came to make a difference.”

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Email Accounts


I had a situation that came up that I believe most people probably have not thought of or possibly even realized.
How many of you have a computer? How many of you have kids that use your computer? How many of you have your own account on your computer? How many of you don't want your kids to have their own account, so they have to access the computer through your account? Well here is the problem with all of this. 
I received a phone call the other day from a very dear friend of mine, we'll call her Staci, and she was in a panic. Staci is a single mom with 3 kids. Staci has a computer and each kid has their own separate account. Staci's oldest daughter, who is 12, has her own computer that her dad bought for her for her birthday. She wanted to buy music through iTunes and so Staci put in her username and password to allow her daughter to purchase some songs. Staci has a MobileMe account and an iPhone. This all sounds harmless, right? Up to this point it is. Now here is the problem. With a MobileMe account and an iPhone, the iPhone will wirelessly backup to the computer where the iTunes login account is active. The account was on the Staci's computer and is NOW on her daughter's computer too. All of a sudden, the 12 year old has access to all of Staci's email and can view all the communication between her mom and her dad. NOT A GOOD SITUATION AT ALL. The law states very clearly that parents are not to discuss anything with the kids and all communication about the kids is to be between the parents. Without even being aware of it, Staci could have been in violation of the law and dad could have filed contempt of court on Staci for allowing the daughter access to private emails, even though it was not intentional. I know that most of you are probably saying, but Staci can simply argue she didn't know. Ignorance is no defense of the law. She'd still risk being in trouble. 
I also know parents that do not allow their kids to have their own computer and do not even allow them to have their own account. If you let your kids have access to your computer and if they get into your mail, and they could, you too could find yourself in a bad situation. 
So what's the solution? Make sure that you have your own account. Make sure that when you are done using your account, you log off. Create a separate account for your kids and visitors. If your kids have their own computer, like Staci, make sure you do not put any of your passwords or account info on their computer allowing them access to your account. Keep the kids out of the adult conversation and allow them to be kids even through the divorce and it's aftermath. 

iChat Mediation invites you to come and learn more about having either your divorce conducted by one of our State Supreme Court Certified mediators or how you can become part of the most cutting edge virtual companies in the world. To learn more visit us online at http://www.ichatmediation.com or call us at 877-822-1479.
In the words of Lawton Chiles, “I didn’t come to stay, I came to make a difference.”