Friday, December 28, 2012
Sex as a Weapon
So after mediating almost 500 divorces, 182 just in 2012, just when I think I have heard it all, I hear things that just blow my mind. 2012 had a common thread though in the divorces and that was INFIDELITY. Being the curious guy that I am I asked each and every one of the couples what happened. Again there was a common thread running through each and every story.
The first thing I learned was that before women cheated sexually, they cheated emotionally. Their men were not meeting their emotional needs and desires and so they went looking elsewhere. If a guy at work or the bar, the gym or even church complimented them or paid attention to them, they responded. It usually started with just making sure they ran into each other and then it led to meeting for a drink or coffee and then eventually sex. What I found out next really surprised me. They only went looking AFTER they either suspected or confirmed that their man had strayed.
The second thing I learned is that men cheated sexually. Rarely did they cheat emotionally first. What I learned next somewhat surprised me, but didn’t as I have experienced it first hand and know oh to well what they were about to tell me. Every single man and when I say every single man I mean every single man said the same thing. They may have said it in a slightly different way, but it was the same. Their wives, before they became wives were sexual beings. The men said, “I do” (got married) and then the women said, “I don’t” (no more sex). After marriage, the sex slowed or even stopped all together. What made it worse is that the women used sex as a weapon. They used it to control, manipulate or to punish. When they began using sex against the men, the men simply went elsewhere. No game playing. No waiting. They simply checked out.
The last thing I learned was that lying was always involved at some level of this “game”. They promised many things when they were married. Many of those promises were either never truly meant or were forgotten. During the marriage things were promised. I promise to get that house or car. I promise I’ll go to church with you. I promise I’ll stop drinking. I promise to stop smoking. I promise we will have a family one day. The promise was not kept and thus trust no longer existed between the man and woman. Resentment set in and here we are.
The result? the man and woman don’t trust one another. They no longer can stand each other. They men then stop complimenting their wives as now they resent them. Both parties stop initiating sex as they stop caring. The final result? The women are no longer getting love, affection and attention and so they began to cheat emotionally and that takes us back to the first thing I learned.
It’s a vicious cycle where everyone loses and the marriage ends. This begs the question, Why is sex used as a weapon? Why lie? None of these couples cheated thinking that the grass was greener on the other side. They knew that there was no grass on their side of the fence and so they simply left. Some stated that they would rather be alone, then stay in the situation that they found themselves in.
If you find yourself in this situation and don’t know what to do, call iMediate Inc. We can help.
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In the words of Lawton Chiles, “I didn’t come to stay, I came to make a difference.”