CULTURE IN MEDIATION PT 2

So we previously talked about culture and how it plays a role in the mediation process. I told you a story of one couple that shared my view on positive conflict and they had a positive experience throughout the mediation process. That couple is an exception and certainly not the rule. Here is the typical fighting couple in mediation. Maybe you know someone like this.

So the Sam and Joanna come into mediation. They are a young couple in their late 20’s. Sam and Joanna didn’t want to get married. They chose to simply live together. In the end, Sam and Joanna had a child and whether they were married or not, they ended up in the same place as others......family mediation. Sam had a disability and didn’t work. Sam’s dad had died and Sam’s mother was living on Social Security and her own disability as well. Joanna was working full time but neither Sam nor Joanna had a college education so their earning potential was limited. Both Sam and Joanna were passionate about their 8 year old son. Due to Sam and Joanna’s fighting, their son felt caught in the middle and was having trouble in and out of school. His grades had slipped and he was acting out. Joanna thought that if she had more say and control over their son, then he would do better. Sam thought that if he enrolled his son in sporting activities, then he would do better with his attitude and grades. Sam never played sports, but always wanted to and now he was in essence wanting to live his dream through his son. 

Since Sam and Joanna were never married we did not have to divide up assets or debt. We only had to create a parenting plan with a detailed time sharing schedule as well as establish child support and other financial issues. Sam and Joanna settled everything in mediation except for the one issue of sports. Sam, Joanna, both of their attorneys and myself met for 2 days and spent almost 10 hours total for this mediation. Seven of those hours were spent arguing and battling over what sport is their son going to play. What if practice is on the other parent’s scheduled time? Who is going to pay for the sport? What if mom picks a sport dad doesn’t like, does dad still have to contribute and vice a versa? Who gets to pick what sport during what season and is it that the same each year? What if their son’s grades do not improve, does he still get to play? Who is providing transportation to and from the sporting activity? What if a game is on the other parent’s weekend and interferes with personal plans? 

Sam and Joanna couldn’t get out of their own way to actually see what was in the best interest of their son. Before it was over, I had to separate Sam and Joanna and place them in separate rooms as they could not speak to one another without threats, vulgar language, and insults. Between the 2 attorneys, myself, Sam and Joanna, it seemed as though in 10 hours we had thought of every single possibility to resolve this one issue and all Sam and Joanna wanted to do was dig their heals in and resist one another. Both Sam and Joanna stated over and over again that they wanted a say in their son’s life but the madness finally had to stop as they refused any possible compromise. I stated that I would be forced to impasse their 2 day (10 hour) mediation session and send it to the judge to decide if they could not resolve it amongst themselves. Sam and Joanna feared a complete and total loss of control to create their own outcome and finally reached a settlement agreement. 

A wise woman once told me during my custody battle, “Matthew, you will never get to a place where you can help your kids until you get over yourself and get out of your own way.” Missy, you were right!

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