I know this is going to grind a lot of people and go against tradition. I don't care much about tradition and how it has always been done. Possibly it has been done wrong for a long time and only now we are getting it right.
For as far back as I can remember divorces did not take place because a couple had kids and they did not want to put their kids through the trauma of a divorce. WOW! How considerate, right? Possibly, but probably not. Kids are smart and they know what is going on even when mom and dad don't want to admit it. While mom and dad might stick their heads in the sand and ignore the problems around them, the kids are fully aware.
I know that in my own life, and yes hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20, I would have sworn that I did not stay with my ex because we had kids, but looking back….I did. It got to a point that as the kid's father I HAD to leave. The example that I was showing my daughter was not good. The way I treated and spoke to her mother was unacceptable and I did not want her thinking that that was how a woman should be treated. The example that I was showing my son was also not good. I did not want my son growing up thinking that the way I treated his mother was the way he should treat women. After I discovered that there was infidelity in the marriage and this eventually led to the divorce, I ignored it and I stayed about 2 more years too long. The damage to my kids was worse than if I had divorced their mother 2 years previous when I first found out.
By staying together for the kids, the kids witnessed our fighting and name calling. The witnessed a dysfunctional marriage where we lived single lives as a married couple. There was no respect, no conversations or discussions, only yelling matches. We did our best to not fight in front of the kids, but they still heard it. DON'T KID YOURSELF!!! Your kids know what is going on in your home. They know that you were once loving and affectionate and now there is no hug or kiss between mom and dad. Family vacations used to be taken together and now the children will go on vacation with only 1 parent because "dad had to work".
Call a spade a spade. When it's over…….get out!
It's been 8 yrs and at times my almost 15yr old daughter says she misses when we used to be a family. I respond to her, "So you liked the fighting and yelling or do you really like it now where we get along and you have 2 loving homes?" She says, "Well, yeah. You and mommy did fight all the time." She was only 7 when we divorced but she remembers all the fighting and imagine if she had to endure that for another 8 yrs.
Now, I'm not saying that if you fight then you should get divorced. My previous blog on May 12 discussed how to fight in your relationship. You should do all that you can to make your marriage work, but when it is over and there is no chance of recovery, then get out and save your kids.
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In the words of Lawton Chiles, “I didn’t come to stay, I came to make a difference.”
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